EVEN THE 10 POUND BAG OF TRAIL MIX I ATE LAST NIGHT. WHICH WASN’T EVEN ENJOYABLE– and it was suppose to solve my problems?! — ED RECOVERY. Allowing myself what I want and changing my thought process!!


I can’t TELL YOU how much this vacation was needed!!! I feel empowered. I feel IN CONTROL.

  • Once you feel this way (gained control and empowerment of your life), everything else just falls into place. You eat because it’s enjoyable, you stop when your full and there is no obsession. You build the confidence you deserve and you don’t need muscles, big ass boobs (a girl literally took her TOP OFF at the pool yesterday because she is “free”) an exercise machine or a strict diet to show off that confidence. It’s ALL internal. 🙂 🙂 Every women who WANTS it will get there. I am still in recovery and can’t thank my STRENGTH enough to keep up with this “vacation” and REALIZE how much I deserve a balanced life and controlled life. 🙂 No matter what size I end up at! If I love myself enough I will make the right choices and listen to my instincts. 🙂 

The vacation is working people. 😉  Every time I binge and get low… I am SO MUCH HIGHER IN THE END!!

Everything happens on it’s own. Keep learning and loving people!!

I got my hair done FRIDAY!! I was going for this look:


and it turned out like this…..

I got it done at Aveda Institute Beauty Basics. They are still in school so it was reasonably priced!! 🙂 What do ya’ll think! I was very happy with it.


How is it going?

Well.. it’s difficult. Not exercising, eating what I want when I want and spending money like it doesn’t matter IS DIFFICULT FOR ME.  It was much easier two years ago on “vacation” with my family. I did whatever I wanted and felt at ease.

WORK HARD, PLAY HARD. — I have to understand that “play” part a little better. That is why I get so burnt out and use other things to satisfy myself!!

SATURDAY (last night) was a “breaking point.” I don’t know why I am so open with all of this. We all have problems in life (no matter who you are.) We all just battle something different. Sometimes, some of us go our whole lives in denial with it. That is ok, the whole world is insecure and some of us aren’t strong enough to open up and ask for help. But I am here when you need someone to talk to!!

I am seeing my own health coach right now with The Institute for Integrative Nutrition and it’s really really helpful. Every health coach needs her own health coach and this school sets it up for you!!

I know it probably sounds like a back and forth recovery process that I am on. However, I think everyone is still battling in someway. It’s the only way to find out the hidden and true “problems.” If I know all the answers and WAS HAPPY.. I would be doing it myself! But I am on my way there and I learn more and more each day.

WE ALL BATTLE something and if we are STRONG enough we take in all the lessons going on around us and keep them close to our hearta. WE DO all possible to become healthier, happier, and stronger.


Some humans just say what is on their mind and don’t think clearly of how it will affect them in the long wrong. They are only trying to help them and teach them, but in the wrong way.

If I was surrounded by happy things I am sure my diet, and eating would be stable. But honestly, I still don’t think I would be “recovered.” I haven’t gotten the nerve to do what makes me happy for exercise and be ok with it. I don’t think I am at a weight that is healthy. I WILL get there. I know I will. I becoming more and more stubborn with my happiness. There is nothing I should be doing that I am not happy with. No matter what anyone tries to tell me.

What has been going on inside Lauren’s head: I’m hungry, unhappy, over worked, and overtired. Right? I am have been SO DEPRIVED. How can someone with all the answers right in front of her STILL not do what’s right and fight against nature? There is some HIDDEN problem WAITING to come out and bite her in the but.– PROBLEM- I didn’t think I deserved the happiness I have been waiting for. Now? I am telling myself each and everyday I DESERVE ALL of what I want in a helping/giving/loving way. I don’t expect everything to just come, I am determined to work hard, play fair and do what it takes to be in balance. YOU HAVE ALL CONTROL too!

SATURDAY: ALL DAY I deprived myself. I wait for this “breaking point” and then binge. I had a proper dinner but then had an endless amount of chocolate/trail mix. (I was over heated, hungry, tired, and annoyed.)– Don’t get to this point! Don’t be deprived all day= sets you up for failure– duh!!

I called my mom right after. I totally broke down. I am mentally unstable. I am living in another state by myself. I am not “myself.” I am an old soul. I care about others A LOT. I want to help people. (But in order to do that I NEED to help myself.) I don’t like impressing others. I don’t like a lot of attention from others. I am tired of being as thin as I am. I want to weigh a little more. I don’t want to feel like exercise is torture. I want to find something exciting to do. I don’t want to waste my time in a gym. I want to be adventurous. I want to be excited about eating well. I want all these things but I continue to make other choices. Why?

This vacation was exactly what I needed. This vacation will one day help others. It teaches me that “being bad” is ok. That it isn’t bad at all. I was deprived for months. When I was still at home all I was doing was eating a lot of fruit and veggies. Maybe humans lived off this many many years ago. Who knows. But we live in a different world now. The way we eat plays a huge role in our society. Life is full of food. We celebrate, gather and share with food. No wonder why I am miserable.

When I was in high school I weighed more then I do now and I was happy. A lot happier.

I am not meant to be this thin, deprived, and unhappy.

My life is meant to help people, not look perfect. The funny thing is.. no one is telling me I have to be perfect except myself. No one is “punishing” me except myself. That is WRONG.

This vacation has opened me up into a very TRUTHFUL world. We are like children the more we say “no!” the more we want it. Just say yes!!!

But I know it’s working. I know it’s working because I am not punishing myself or saying “no!” I am allowing myself to feel the fear and  do it anyway. Just like Susan Jeffers suggests.

Allowing myself gives me the “ease” to love myself for what I truly want and what I want to do. Once I keep allowing myself this satisfaction, I envision myself not wanting whatever it is I want.

The most helpful and inspiring information I will give to my clients is all that I have learnt are through the experiences and experiments I did on my own and thought about on my own.

For women with distorted eating. It’s not about our bodies. It’s about how we have been treated in the past with our bodies. It’s about the control we have with it. It’s how we are spending our time. It’s the meaning behind it all.

Like I said, even if I had the right job right now. I would still be battling whether or not the “exercise” I was doing meant something.

I am at the place I am suppose to be at right now. The most powerful experience you can have is the time you spend with yourself and only yourself. NO matter how much hurts. You will learn so much about yourself and what is more rewarding then that?

I haven’t thought I have been worthy enough for things I do enjoy.
I have been put down so much in my life. Why do you like that? Why do you want to do that? Don’t do that? Change this. So on and so on. I have had to REBUILD THIS CONFIDENCE. The only way I have gotten positive attention is by losing weight. How sad is this and OF COURSE I am going to have an eating disorder. I haven’t put this on myself. I HAVE BEEN CREATED INTO A MONSTER! Even though I have so much to offer to people. I excel with communicating and understanding people and I have been constantly pushed down to NOT reach my dreams by the ones who are suppose to love me. Well, I am stronger then that sorry to say to the haters.

To be happy: Be true. Change what needs to. Don’t settle for others who are unhappy and being negative. Move on. My life is perfect because it’s mine and I have scars. I am ok with hard work. Don’t let others bring you down!!

Everything that has happened to me what suppose to happen. I had to be alone. I had to do nothing. IN ORDER FOR ME TO DISCOVER WHAT LAUREN wants. Be alone, feel the hurt and feel what it is like to be ALONE… it’s good for the soul!!!!!

This post is so random, scary, happy, confusing, I have a chart I have been keeping for my experiment. I will show when it’s done!!



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