Well… I don’t know what happened the last few days.. but I can’t wait to share!
Have you ever heard of a 22 year old crisis?
I think it’s happening to me!
Or I am just a “crazy” thinker and I think things happen to me.
Whoever you are reading this, I am not crazy. I am me. I don’t make things up. This is real life!
Anyway… here it goes!
In my opinion no one has extreme will power that when they tell themselves to do something, they just do it. If this can happen I would love to meet this person, really.
I just don’t learn or function that way. That’s why I have recently given up telling myself “no.” The more I say “no” the more I want to do something, and it shows. My diet has been horrible and I was tired of saying no. So if I wanted something (like a jar of peanut butter for dinner) I just did it. I risked years of my life to have a jar of peanut butter (one, two or even three times the last few weeks) and I told myself that if I were to risk my health I might as well do it now before I go and preach to the world. Hey, I am a scientist and I like learning things the hard way. I like to experiment something for myself and then go out and share my experiences. I have learnt I am actually a “doer” and not so much a “follower” like I have been doing. I think something like this only makes you stronger and I can feel more in tuned with myself not that I actually just did something instead of asking others 487829 questions. It feels good to be “bad.”
I have been “bad” in other areas of my life too.
I am overtired, overworked, unhealthy and it’s all ok. Do you want to know why?
Debbie Ford is one of the women giving a lecture this week for The Institute for Integrative Nutrition. She is an author, film maker, and speaker. She is extremely inspirational and gave an inspiring hour and a half lecture.
She came in at the perfect time. I must say..
She talked a lot about how much punishment we give ourselves. Home much hatred we have for our own being. She goes on and on how we are human beings and yet we don’t even know who that is most of the time. Do we honestly know ourselves? I don’t think we do. If we did we wouldn’t being going through all the harm and beat ourselves up all the time!!
“She prettier then me. He is smarter then me. Why can’t my legs be as long as hers? Why are my boobs so small?” How many of you do this daily?!
Exactly. We as human want to be bad, want to be good, and want what others have.
The only reason why this is so much more clear to me is because of the lack of alone time I had in the past and the huge amount I have now.
I am blessed.
I have been paying extra special attention to my behaviors, habits, thoughts, and actions and I am so tired. So tired of the constant reassurance I have to receive from others. Constant negativity from others. Constant punishment I put myself in for just being a human being. I am tired of being perfect. I am tired of following others. I am overworked, overtired, and frustrated with why I haven’t given myself a break. Debbie Ford has woken me up to the fact that BEING BAD AND GETTING THE DEVIL INSIDE OF YOU is ok. It was already happening before I listened to her lecture. So again, that is why I told you she came at the perfect time!
I need myself to understand that this isn’t a game. It’s very weird to me that I am alone in a town I am not familiar with. The first month was hard. However, I haven’t been more in tuned with my habits, emotions and behavior.
My personal life is so much more open now that I have been given so much alone time that I have been deprived of my entire life. I have been a girl who always had relationships, family, work and school right by her side. Now I have none of it. No matter I have been moving in so many different circles and wanting so many different things.
I haven’t been making the choices I should be to reach my vision. My vision in life becomes clearer each everyday. The more I look into my heart the clearer the answers are.
But why am I still continuing down a path that doesn’t line up with my heart and emotions?
I have been going non stop since I was 13. I even hated taking sick days as a kid. I just love life too much and spending time alone doing nothing (to me at the time) wasn’t an exiting life! Who wants that?
However, after an exciting day of thinking, longing, and experimenting I had many many thoughts run through my mind.
If I was stupid.. I would fall into the same trap as I have before. But I know better now. Choosing something that is lifting me higher or empowering me into being the person I was always meant to be is more important.
I am searching for time and acceptance in all the wrong places.
I am searching for nourishment in something I can control.
I am punishing myself.
I have been told no all my life. As Debbie Ford mentions telling yourself “no” isn’t the answer. It’s teaching yourself a better way to handle something. Being bad let’s the devil out. You have do something in order to learn it.
I have been told that I was doing something wrong. I have been told I just am not good enough by others and by my OWN being (myself.)
I was a little kid who has the RIGHT to tell me I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.
Those people obviously wanted me to get down on their level and didn’t even TRY to empower me or lift me higher.
I AM good enough no matter what. EVERYONE is good enough and EVERYONE has the chance to succeed. But not everyone has that angel to lift them higher or teach them what they need to know.
All I want is to FEEL the time to do what I want and not feel guilty about it. To be selfish. To be accepted. I don’t want things, beauty, or to feel needed. I got that. I have been blessed with that.
But the time… I have been deprived of. The feeling of guilt needs to be far far away. I want to own that part of myself. Feel confident enough in myself. Is that too much to ask?
I can give myself that if I just learn to ask for help. Ask for help in the way of letting myself feel it. Feel the acceptance. Asking myself for help is all I need to do.
I want to be able to wake up without guilt. Make some coffee and just sit. Just be. Open a book, lay in the sun, and do nothing. For as long as I need. Just to understand that it is ok to be selfish, needy, and relaxed. It’s ok to accept myself for that moment and KNOW I AM GOOD ENOUGH.
We are all missing something. No matter who we are and if we don’t let that part of us free whether it be selfishness, neediness, laziness, motivation, love, acceptance, helplessness, ……
If we don’t get that satisfaction before we start a life with someone or start a family….
We search for it in all the wrong places, in our needs, in our partner..etc..
Each one of us is helpful, nice, mean, bad, angry, selfish, courtesy, lazy, motivated, ……and so on.
But each one of us also OWNS certain qualities that really stand out.
Makes sense right?
But it doesn’t mean that the others shouldn’t be taught or experienced.
If they aren’t look what happens… I have been DYING to get my lazy, selfish self out. I am running around in circles looking to just release them so I can move on. I have been punishing and taking it out on myself and many messes have been resulted in just not giving in, not listening to my inner self.
I am crying on the inside. Begging for a vacation of some sort. What happens when you are already a parent, a wife, a husband… Affairs, fights, troubled children, etc etc…. LISTEN to your inner self. DON’T BE IN DENIAL. BE TRUTHFUL WITH YOURSELF. TALK IT OUT, LISTEN TO YOUR SPOUSE AND CHILDREN. Just let yourself be you. We are all human and we all do BAD THINGS.
I saw an amazing article once. If you go to my old blog (I have been writing about self-help for a long time now!) you will be able to see it somewhere. It was about a man who wanted a “divorce.” He didn’t want to be married anymore. But his wife wasn’t convinced of this. She instead gave him “time” to do what he wanted, pretend like that is what he wanted, and just let him do whatever. He eventually came back. He learnt that what he really needed was freedom, time, space and to think about what was bothering him. See what time can do. 🙂
If you know what I am saying and have gone through it, then you understand what I am saying. It only becomes more and more clear when you begin to be alone with yourself. The first month for me was hard, I just wasn’t use to it. I was use to caring and helping others ALL THE TIME. I had school, work, and I really didn’t understand the meaning of “just being.” Meditating. I hadn’t been to that other side before.. I was always busy busy busy, busy is better! No.. no.. it really isn’t. Busy to me was doing 8437592 things at once. That’s not me anymore.. I mean sometimes it’s fun. But I really don’t see the world the same anymore. I gave myself time to actually PAY ATTENTION and LISTEN to things around me. That doesn’t mean I will become the laziest person on the planet but it gave me the chance to start appreciating life and the time I have here. To think WE HAVE SO MUCH TIME here on earth that I use to rush through. WOW.
All I can keep repeating is LEARN TO BE ALONE. It’s amazing.
It could honestly cure a mental illness. Search for missing areas of your life!
I am looking for something to control right now. Whether it be my money, diet, exercise, something. It’s scary. I can’t just let things go. BUT I need to or I will never know the feeling of being selfish, needy, and completely out of control.
I need a vacation. Alone. Somewhere where I can’t control what I am eating, what I will be doing for work, or where I will be exercising. I need somewhere far away to release all the fears I have. To be selfish. To be out of control. To feel the “dark side” of myself. Feeling every emotion good or bad is ok.
We all need to release the dark side at some point. To become angry with our past. To accept that we are all human beings. Not matter how we think, what we think or what we want WE ALL want the same thing in different ways. WE ALL want it all in our own little ways. HOW CUTE.
We just go about them differently. Through exercise, books, careers, love, jobs, friends, …..We get that empowering feeling through different aspects of our lives and a lot of us put others down if they aren’t the same as them. It makes them feel better about themselves if they make fun of what is different. Most of us don’t like different. But there are some nice people out there with their own insecurities.
If we just let it all get out. Think about what it is we are hiding, why we are so insecure and why we do the things we do.. we begin to unravel happiness, joy, acceptance, and confidence we need to just do what the heck we want. WE HAVE TO GET IT OUT OF OUR SYSTEM or we never break down. Feel hopeless and just let ourselves have what we want. Sometimes we need to just run on the mouse wheel until we fall over just to pick ourselves up again. It’s ok!!! We begin to not even want what the heck we were stuffing ourselves with for so long and begin to learn that all will be OK NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. So just do whatever it takes to feel the acceptance all over your body and once it finally gets there rub your body ALL OVER with it. In every little nook and cranny you can possibly find and make sure it doesn’t go anywhere. BECAUSE YOU NOW have the key to happiness and you can’t let anyone take it from you. No one can break you down anymore because you have all control. You have the only access to your happiness that others THINK they can just take from you. But it doesn’t work that way. You learnt to just laugh at the fact SOMEONE ELSE is trying to get in your door of happiness with THEIR KEY. 🙂
….. your almost there.
For me… I am not quite there yet either. I am tired, always in a hurry, mentally exhausted, unhealthy, overworked, fearful, unworthy and just need time and acceptance.
I so desperately want time for myself and only myself. I want acceptance but I do truly love myself just the way I am. But it’s the acceptance of others I long for. But it’s like wanting something that isn’t mine to begin with. Their acceptance doesn’t belong to me. I can only long for what truly is mine. I own myself, my body, my emotions, my abilities, my strengths, my weaknesses, and no one else has the right what so ever to tell me how to be, act, and what I should do. But I for so long was striving for others to accept me, cherish me, and reassure me of everything.
I honestly want to be naked in a sea of nothingness. If you close your eyes you can see yourself inside your body. Inside something that just protects you. Our bodies. It’s natural to see beauty as the outer service. Our looks and our bodies. But what really defines us is inside. Our bodies and features just protect us from the hurt we feel. But what is funny is that we are made fun of everyday for that shield. What is SUPPOSE TO protect us. It ruins peoples lives by just what others say and do.
I am not sure when I will post again, I am taking a mini or long vacation. I think it’s an order I have to take from myself. I am too consumed with exercise, diet, and a lot of other things and I need to think for myself. I think it’s the only way to gain self control. I need catch up time to organize all my thoughts. Organize my life! Try to come up with answers as to why I do certain things. It will be hard, and it may be scary at times. But I am going to do it!! Wish me luck and don’t miss me too much. 😉 LOVE YOU ALL XOXOXOXO
This is something every health coach needs to do! So as “Health Coach Lauren” I am doing my job by taking time for myself only!!!!