Hello everyone, I figured I’d pop in and update you!
The last 5 weeks of school are dragging and becoming un-enjoyable. I am at the point where I am barley socializing because I sit in a classroom or office all day. It’s not me and I don’t enjoy it. I have 100% realized that I am not an office person and glad I know this now..
But is it what my future brings? What if the only way I can make money is to find an office job?
I wrote an email to my mom about how I was feeling and this is what I included:
I have come a long way. The fact that I do something about the way I feel and “my symptoms (OCD, ED, ANXIETY)” shows I have will power.
No one is perfect and we are all “crazy” in our own ways, but how do you know when something is the “right” decision.
I am the type of person who becomes PASSIONATE and MOTIVATED. When I see a problem about myself I do something.
1. I am a perfectionist and look at myself as trying to be perfect. (This could be a not so good thing..)
I WISH I COULD BE “normal” and not care so much, but you know what? I have never LOVED myself more then I do now. AND have never become SO passionate and opinionated about something.
It’s scary… waking up or asking myself why do I do the things I do? Is it really what I love?
I think we all do that at some point. But to take a stand about something is important and leads me to live the life I live. We are all never going to be happen 100% of the time and we are ALL going to ask ourselves the question, why are we doing this?
What I don’t like:
I go back and forth with things and can become “obsessive” one minute and later feel differently.
But we all have flaws and at least I know of them and TRY to do something, and become better. Meaning, I have to try and stick with something.
What would that something be? I LOVE HEALTH. I LOVE PROGRESSING . I LOVE BEING IN CONTROL.
BUT I still binge, I still become fearful of becoming “fat” or not being “perfect.” Is that ok? Is it because I have a father who has struggled to look at it?
I am fearful of the future. What if I finally discover a way of eating I LOVE. What if I want (if I have them) my future kids to eat a certain way and no one else agrees? What if I am holding myself back with my current boyfriend and it just wont eventually work. What if it’s the crazy Lauren thinking this way?
I know where my heart is. I know what my passions are. How do I trust what is coming next? How do I focus myself to get through the rest of school? What do I do next?
I am who I am. I obsess with things and then feel differently later on, but I do have control. I do stick with something when I become passionate it.
I had to make a decision of whether or not to enroll in the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. I have been thinking about it for months and knew it’s what I wanted. Thanks to Clare Brady and Carley Marissa for all the support and insight they have given me. 🙂
I did it and I enrolled. I know it’s the best decision and that I will love it. 🙂
I included my last two days with some reading..
It has given me so much GREAT information! I really have been taking it to heart, organizing my thoughts, and really trying to understand what they have to say! I urge you to do the same if you have suffered from binge eating or distorted eating at all. 🙂
My eating habits:
These are things I have picked up on while reading The Raw Food Detox Diet. I wanted to experiment with it, because you know I love experimenting. After having such a breaking point I needed to do something! 🙂 These are all things I have read in the past but never got myself to actually do and not just THINK about. 😉
1. Making sure to be very MINDFUL of how and what I am eating at the time.
2. To take enough time while eating a meal.
3. Practicing my food combining.
4. If having enjoying fruit have it alone and on a empty stomach. Wait atleast 20 minutes before having enjoying other food.
5. Letting myself sit with discomfort rather then giving in to it all the time. Sometimes I have anxiety with this and think back to my distorted eating. I am frightful of doing something wrong. I am at the point in my life where I am educated on what’s actually healthy and I know I am giving my body enough nutrients throughout the day that I will be okay. 🙂
6. It was noted in The Raw Food Detox Diet that peanuts and beans were addictive. Honestly, the other night was a perfect example of this. I had beans at dinner and after I was done eating, I went back for more. That night I had a spoonful of peanut butter and then binged by having a lot more then necessary. Is this not a perfect example or not? Need I say more? I tend to be the same way with nuts. Unfortunately I am trying to get to the bottom of it. Nuts, also, most likely will go right through me. TMI? The reason why I share is because I am explaining to you that I am still on my journey. I am experimenting and getting to the bottom of why I get out of control, how my body reacts, etc.
I am practicing and experimenting because I want a lifestyle change. I am not on a diet and nor am I an expert, but I am someone with an uncomfortable and unhealthy past in regards to food. I want to experiment, I want to change. Not everyone needs to or wants to and that’s fine. I truly believe that everyone is different and has different reasons as to what they put into their bodies and why.
I am who I am. I sometimes obsess with things and then feel differently later on. However, I do have the control. I do stick with something when I become passionate about it.
I love food and will
try make a point to enjoy every single thing I put into my body.